Re-jected! Just for Men turns down bin Laden

Osama bin Laden’s bid to become the next spokesman for “Just for Men” died yesterday, just two and a half weeks after the 9/11 mastermind sent an audition tape to the hair dye giant’s executives.   In a one-word press release, “Just for Men” simply responded “Re-jected!”, an apparent reference to the company’s current ad featuring former “Seinfeld” actor Keith Hernandez and basketball Hall of Famer Walt Frazier.

Armed with a newly dyed beard and an opium-laced invigorated personality, bin Laden said in the tape that he was “starting to find his groove” and that a “Just for Men” commercial would be the perfect way to rebuild an image surprisingly damaged by a deadly terrorist attack.  In his disturbing but well-rehearsed acting debut, Bin Laden eerily signaled that the product has been helping him hide from U.S. armed forces, who have been hunting bin Laden for over seven years.

“President Bush comes in for the kill…re-jected!” bin Laden shouted in the audition. “With my ‘Just for Men’ Jet Black Brush-In Color Gel specially designed for mustache, beard, and sideburns, I blend in with my cave surroundings, resulting in a longer life and, let’s just say, a few more little bin Ladens.”

Hernandez, reached at the same bar where he filmed the “Just for Men” commercial, appeared in “Seinfeld”, and currently resides, said he was “shocked.”

“To see an unkempt bearded man actually think he could take my spot is just bush league,” said Hernandez, still trying to figure out other ways to promote himself. “Come on, I’m Keith Hernandez, I won the MVP in ’79, I can do whatever I want.  Look, I’m not going to say that he belongs in a cave, but he doesn’t belong in a ‘Just for Men’ commercial.  Did you see what he was wearing?  That guy couldn’t find first base with a high-powered gun scope.”

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Daughter disappointed in mother’s vacuum hand-me-down

Shively resident Marcy Sanders, 25, voiced displeasure Friday evening after using the vacuum cleaner her mother, Dawna Brown, bravely dropped off at her house during Saturday afternoon’s treacherous weather.  The vacuum, a 1996 Kenmore Micron Filtration (12.0 amps) model, failed to lift any of the dust and lent Sanders and her boyfriend had accumulated over the course of five weeks.

“I feel kind of bad being pissed at mom, but it just doesn’t work,” said the H&R Block secretary and mother of three. “For once, I was looking forward to my designated day of cleaning, and now this happens.  I’m not really sure how I’m going to break the news to mom, especially after her Escort barely made it down Dixie Highway with the storms and all.”

Sanders’ boyfriend Mack Jamison, 34, who was forced to secure the vacuum’s remnants by hand, said, “Dude, this thing couldn’t pick up a ‘ho down at O’Malley’s Corner.”

Mickelson hopes ‘freak flag’ intimidates Tiger

Super Freak

In preparation for Tiger Woods’ return to the PGA Tour next week, Phil Mickelson is  growing a mullet.

“Look, Tiger’s losin’ the hair and I know he can’t be happy about it,” said Mickelson, whose third round 62 blistered Riviera Country Club on Saturday. “I’m going to let my freak flag fly.  The knee will be the least of Tiger’s worries now.”