Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Louisville recognized for using technology to track falling population rank

November 24, 2010

A new survey credits the Louisville metro government with using information technology to better serve its citizens.

One of the technology’s first uses is the ability to track the metro area’s national population ranking, which has dropped from 16th to 31st since the city-county merger.

New technology allows the city to update its population ranking on road signs

Says Walter Raftery, Director of Advanced Technology at Road Maintenance Services, “The technology is even cooler in that it looks like someone just went out and marked up the sign by hand.  What do they call it, Web 2.0 or whatever?  It’s warm and fuzzy, not like that stiff, northerner LED signage.”

We may not be efficient in keeping people here, but at least one can’t say the same about tracking it.


Jack Conway Needs You

November 18, 2010

Jack Conway needs you, folks.  His senatorial campaign is over, but the financial dealings surrounding it are apparently not.   Jack sent an email today asking his supporters — actually, to anyone who might feel sympathetic — to help retire his debt.

In Jack’s thank you letter, he says, “When I look back on the past two years, I think of meeting the widow of the coal miner in Eastern Kentucky who lost health insurance for her and her son the day after her husband died. I think of meeting senior citizens in Paducah struggling to get by on a fixed income. I think about the student in Lexington who can’t afford her college loans. And I think about you…”

Jack Conway is saying, folks, if you have an extra $50 as holiday season approaches, DO NOT seek out the widow of the coal miner who lost her health insurance or the struggling senior citizens or those who can’t afford college.   We can now add Jack Conway himself to his list of the unfortunate.  He lost a campaign despite questions about his opponents’ civil rights beliefs, aqua buddha, and spending more money than he had to spend.

And, for that, he needs your help, indeed.

Don’t Toll Me, Bro

November 17, 2010

We admit, we haven’t been tased, but we imagine it is uncomfortable based on the pleas of those who are about to endure it.

Watching our beloved metro area consider the thought of burying itself in concrete only conjures up thoughts of being tased repeatedly, like, every time you’ll walk under the massive pillars just to be sure the waterfront is still there.  Not least among the unavoidable, insulting repetitions is a toll (disproportionately borne by locals) to help pay for the massive undertaking.

The point here is not to be another source railing against the insanity of the ORBP (and concrete mixers everywhere).  There are plenty of those out there, and they have our full support: 8664, No Tolls, Save Louisville

The point here is to be a voice for those who cannot speak.  Because, as The Spotted Bass believes, if you don’t have a voice, you better damn well get yourself a shirt.

Severe storms no longer excite local weathermen

February 27, 2009

Another severe storm swept into the Louisville area early this morning, but local TV meteorologists admitted that, due to the rash of severe weather the area has seen over the past year, the storms no longer excite them.  In fact, none of the local TV stations covered the storm though winds topped at 60 mph and rain was measured at a seventh of an inch.

“This storm did absolutely nothing for me last night,” said Jay Cardosi, of WLKY-32. “Been there, done that.  I used to get a rise out of something like that.  Not anymore.  It was, let me spell it, ‘W-E-A-K.’  And besides, it was in the middle of the night.  Absolutely no face time for me.”

The weathermen also admitted they preferred storms to occur in prime time, when viewers are likely watching their favorite television program or athletic event.

“Obviously, the best part of this business is when we can interrupt a big game or a big show,” said John Belski, of WAVE-3.

Belski then reflected fondly when he interrupted the final episode of Seinfeld with a measly tornado watch.

“Ah, the look of those Seinfeld fans the next day is something I will never forget,” said Belski, through a mixture of tears and laughter. “There was probably a 5% chance of a tornado but there was a 100% chance they would miss their coveted show.  I loved it.  ‘Friends’ was a much better show anyway.”

Slumdog Millionaire extra speaks for Republican party

February 25, 2009
Actor says we should use government response to Katrina as example

Actor says we should use response to Hurricane Katrina as example of how government can be more efficient

Re-jected! Just for Men turns down bin Laden

February 22, 2009


Osama bin Laden’s bid to become the next spokesman for “Just for Men” died yesterday, just two and a half weeks after the 9/11 mastermind sent an audition tape to the hair dye giant’s executives.   In a one-word press release, “Just for Men” simply responded “Re-jected!”, an apparent reference to the company’s current ad featuring former “Seinfeld” actor Keith Hernandez and basketball Hall of Famer Walt Frazier.

Armed with a newly dyed beard and an opium-laced invigorated personality, bin Laden said in the tape that he was “starting to find his groove” and that a “Just for Men” commercial would be the perfect way to rebuild an image surprisingly damaged by a deadly terrorist attack.  In his disturbing but well-rehearsed acting debut, Bin Laden eerily signaled that the product has been helping him hide from U.S. armed forces, who have been hunting bin Laden for over seven years.

“President Bush comes in for the kill…re-jected!” bin Laden shouted in the audition. “With my ‘Just for Men’ Jet Black Brush-In Color Gel specially designed for mustache, beard, and sideburns, I blend in with my cave surroundings, resulting in a longer life and, let’s just say, a few more little bin Ladens.”

Hernandez, reached at the same bar where he filmed the “Just for Men” commercial, appeared in “Seinfeld”, and currently resides, said he was “shocked.”

“To see an unkempt bearded man actually think he could take my spot is just bush league,” said Hernandez, still trying to figure out other ways to promote himself. “Come on, I’m Keith Hernandez, I won the MVP in ’79, I can do whatever I want.  Look, I’m not going to say that he belongs in a cave, but he doesn’t belong in a ‘Just for Men’ commercial.  Did you see what he was wearing?  That guy couldn’t find first base with a high-powered gun scope.”

Daughter disappointed in mother’s vacuum hand-me-down

February 22, 2009

vacuum6Shively resident Marcy Sanders, 25, voiced displeasure Friday evening after using the vacuum cleaner her mother, Dawna Brown, bravely dropped off at her house during Saturday afternoon’s treacherous weather.  The vacuum, a 1996 Kenmore Micron Filtration (12.0 amps) model, failed to lift any of the dust and lent Sanders and her boyfriend had accumulated over the course of five weeks.

“I feel kind of bad being pissed at mom, but it just doesn’t work,” said the H&R Block secretary and mother of three. “For once, I was looking forward to my designated day of cleaning, and now this happens.  I’m not really sure how I’m going to break the news to mom, especially after her Escort barely made it down Dixie Highway with the storms and all.”

Sanders’ boyfriend Mack Jamison, 34, who was forced to secure the vacuum’s remnants by hand, said, “Dude, this thing couldn’t pick up a ‘ho down at O’Malley’s Corner.”